The List

I don't know about all the other church goers out there, but for myself and many of my close friends there was a lesson that we would get EVERY year. It was like it became a tradition for our young women's class. Here is out it went, because of course you need a routine for this. First, we would talk about our week and share any good news that happened, then the teacher would start talking about marriage. The importance of it, and why we do it, how God feels about marriage. It was always a good lesson and I've come to believe many of the things that were taught for  myself.
Then came the crux of the lesson. The teacher would hand out a blank piece of paper and tell you to write down all of the qualities you will look for in your future husband. Most years I would take this assignment VERY seriously and only put down what I thought was most important because I knew how the rest of the lesson would go. They would have us pick the three most important things and ask us if we met a man that had everything on our list except those three things... would we still marry them? Because I had done this so carefully I would always say yes.
However, as I got older I also got tired of having this lesson, and one year I just wrote down anything and everything that I could want in a man. I made a bit of a joke out of it and asked the other girls for suggestions and liked some of them, turned down others... in the end my list was a mix of things I really cared about and the things I truly wanted. It was a fun list and looked something like this:

1. Tall
2. handsome
3. blue eyes
4. smart
5. good sense of humor
6. likes to go dancing
7. graduated from college
8. believes in God
9. Likes Italian food... likes all food
10. plays guitar
11. drives a motorcycle
12. thinks i'm incredibly beautiful
13. can cook
14. return missionary
15. an eagle scout
16. likes camping
17. handy-can fix just about anything
18. likes to read
19. enjoys going to the movies
20. good kisser
21. has style (ie. fashion) 
22. Willing to kill all the spiders
23. good with money-doesn't have a lot of debt.
24. wants kids
25. Has a good job-pays well
26. Likes sports

As you can see this is kind of fun to put together and doing it now from memory was just as fun as it was the first time around. This list though it was kind of a joke, because my "dream guy" because he had more than just the important things. He had everything. It was this unreachable expectation, I never thought that I would find a guy who had it all, but it was nice to think about. 

This was all true until I met Chris.

Chris is him. The perfect man for me. He has everything, the super meaningful ones that I didn't think I could ever live without, as well as, the fun stuff. I didn't realize it at first. I just thought he was a great guy. Then he just kept getting better and better. He just keeps getting better and better. Examples: He calls whenever he says he will call. He randomly calls just to check up on me and see how I am doing. He remembers all of my favorite things and spoils me relentlessly. When I got a knew job, he brought flowers during my first week of work. When I did really good on a final he celebrates with me. He makes me laugh and makes sure I'm comfortable and happy. He likes to joke around and then five minutes later we can be having a deep philosophical discussion on something I've never thought about before. He is patient and willing to teach me new skills. He makes me go outside my comfort zone, try new things, and be around new people. I could go on forever about him. He is my list. My perfect wonderful list. Real. Who stands before me almost every day.

I don't know why I wanted to write about this, but thinking about it I realized that I want people to know not to settle. Don't give up. There is someone out there for everyone. Chris is my list. He is my perfect idea of what I want. Now I know I actually want those things. When I first met Chris I wasn't sure if I wanted to be his friend because he was so different from everyone I know. What happens is I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew who I needed to be around. However, I've learned and grown so much. I've never felt more loved. He is amazing, and on the surface, I never would have guessed just how much I would need him in my life. 

Stand Ye in Holy Places

Today was one of those days where I woke up freaking out about all that I have to get done and everything that needed to happen. As my boyfriend put it yesterday, "this week has been a string of Monday's. Honestly nothing could be more accurate in my mind but this morning felt especially Mondayish.
Laying in bed after my alarm has gone off twice trying to find the motivation to start the day, the list of things that I need to do today just kept getting longer and longer. Work, School, Homework, Fencing, Meetings, Shopping, Packing, and laundry. There is more in the details but that is the gist of it. It's not very often I get overwhelmed before I even start my day. Finally rolling onto my knees to pray (because I've waited to the last minute to get ready) I say a short but heartfelt prayer that I will have the Spirit with me today and that I will be able to accomplish everything that I need to. Then I ran around the house like a crazy person to get ready for the day and speed out the door.
Low and behold what happens? Traffic. Why? Cause there is snow. I love snow, love playing it it, love the way it looks, love how it means water for summer time. However, I hate how people drive in the snow. Because of traffic I'm running late, then I get to school. Where the wonderful UVU parking experience, which is horrific on a good day, had reached a new height of stupidity. There was no parking and people where honking and angry because we are all late for class and just trying to find the one spot that we can. I give up and go park off of campus and begin the LONG walk in the snow to campus. (up hill both ways and all that)
This is where the story changes a little bit from a Monday. As I was walking to campus missing my class I am miffed. I can't believe that my day has gone this way, etc. So I check my Instagram feed, cause why not?  One of the first few posts is a picture of my favorite temple covered in Snow. It looks beautiful and I can't help but smile thinking of the Lords house. My day just got a little bit brighter. I text my friend for the class I'm missing and he promises to share his notes. So one stress down. Then after finally reaching campus I remember I need to check the institute  building for work because someone might have left something there.
I walk into the institute building and the entire atmosphere has changed. Things are quite even though the building is full. I start walking around the halls looking for what I need and I come face to face with paintings from all my favorite Bible video's. I didn't find what I was looking for but I realized I wasn't frustrated any more. I sat down at one of the many couches and just breathed. I missed class anyway why not take a breather? Sitting down and just taking a breath the Spirit hit me. Not in the way where it's like running into a brick wall, but in the way where after running around on a hot day you finally get an ice cold drink.
All of the sudden I realized I have a testimony of standing in Holy Places. Having the temple as part of my life and buildings like the institute for little breaks from the world. To find a quite place where the Spirit can touch your heart is important. I don't know how the rest of my day will go, but I know I will handle it better now after a few minutes of peace then I would have before.

The Clothesline Project

Twice a year at UVU they have an event that is called the Clothesline project. This is an even about abuse that goes on in Utah and its and event that can open your eyes if you let it. People who are abused are given a t-shirt to do with as they please, to write or draw a picture, things like that. Then these shirts are hung up around the room for people to read. The shirts are not edited so you get the full emotion from the person. The colors of the shirts mean things too.
White= individuals who died as a result of violent acts.
yellow= survivors of domestic violence and other forms of physical assault
Red, Pink or Orange= survivors of rape or sexual assault
Blue, Green= Survivors of incest or child hood sexual abuse
Purple or Lavender= individuals attacked due to sexual orientation
Black=for individuals who became disabled as a result of an attack or where attacked because they are disabled
Gray= survivors of verbal and or emotion abuse
Brown=Survivors of spiritual abuse

It looks a little like this, only image an entire grade ballroom full of these, full of shirts that each have a different story.  While you are walking around they are playing a tape with different sounds and each sound that goes off has a different meaning to go along with it. Here is the paragraph from the handout they gave you before walking though.

The gong is struck to indicate someone is being battered. Women are battered every 10-12 second in the United States, The whistle is being blown to indicate a reported rape. Keep in mind that most rapes are not reported. Every minute of every day more than one woman reports being raped in this country. The bell is rung to indicate that a woman has been killed in a violent attack. In the United States 3 to 4 women are killed by their lovers or husbands each day....

these sounds create and interesting atmosphere as you walk around and read these stories. To think that not all of these things are reported is even more astounding to me.

I realize this is kind of a sad topic but I feel like there needs to be a little more awareness. Not because I have ever been abused. I don't think I've ever been abuse only teased. I am blessed in my life and blessed to know the people I know. That doesn't mean I don't see the abuse, it doesn't mean I don't know it exists but I think it gave me an excuse to ignore the problem. In my anthropology class we were told to write just a one page summary of feelings and ideas that we got from this project and I wanted to keep mine around. So here it is. Please remember it is one persons opinion and that you should form one of your own even if it is one that is completely different than mine.

The Clothesline Project is always a hard thing for me to go to, not because I've experienced violence or abuse to myself in my life, but because it’s not something I personally like to dwell on.  I am always very overwhelmed by the sear amounts of shirts that are hanging up. I remember going a while ago and its crazy how many more there were. I actually read in the school newspaper that there are an average of one hundred fifty to two hundred shirts that get added to the huge collection each semester.  That is a sad thought in itself. Two hundred people a year or a semester making shirts. That is showing the people who are willing to acknowledge that they were abused and willing to share what happened. I can’t imagine going through anything like that in my life.

                One of the things that gets me the most are the sounds that they have going on while you are walking around reading the shirts. It makes the atmosphere seem reverent, and then when you read what they mean it strikes you how this isn't just in our community, this is a worldwide problem.  The noise, for me, is the thing that I tried to ignore, not that I really could. Every time a bell rang my heart would hurt a little more. To think of all of those poor women who thought these men loved them, thought these men would take care of and provide for them, instead they are raped, battered, or even killed. I have to wonder why a woman would stick around if a guy is abusing her, but then I’ve seen it. Not physical abuse but verbal. My friend has depression so he feels like not very many people care or love him, so when he got a girlfriend she could do anything under the son to the poor guy and he would stick around because for some reason he believed that she loved him, that she cared. For her it was more of a power play, at least from what I saw. Who knows maybe she just didn't know how to handle someone who cared for her. It is just a sad and depressing situation all around.

                I read many t-shirts that said forgiving things or confident things. They said things like “you did this to me, you hurt me, but if you hadn't I wouldn't be the woman that I am now.” Others were like “Dad I don’t think I’ll ever understand why, but I forgive you because you are my dad and I love you.” Those people who write things like that are my hero and example in life. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in life to accomplish and I think it’s even harder when you know the person, and you know the person is supposed to love and care for you. These people are true warriors in life. I believe that and I found myself wishing I could talk to these people and let them know that even though these bad things happened to them they are good people.

                This topic is not brought up enough in this world. It isn't talked or discussed. It is a taboo on conversation, but it should be. I wonder if it was talked about more if people would be more willing to go get help if they are abused or raped. People who are abused need to know that it isn't their fault these things are happening to them, that it is the other persons actions that are bad not theirs. The thing is this topic make brings an uncomfortable feeling to the room and into people’s hearts, if you ignore it, you won’t feel uncomfortable. This is an “out of sight out of mind” type thing in my opinion. No one really wants to hear these truly devastating stories but if no one hears them they can’t be fixed and no one gets the help they need, or even want. 

Vocal Point

To be honest I can't believe that I didn't know they existed sooner. Please enjoy :)

Count Your Many Blessings

I'm sitting here staring at my foot feeling all bad for myself and i realized that should stop because i may not be able to walk but my life is blessed in SO many ways. So count your many blessings right?
1.I live in a country with health care and doctors good enough to help me
2.I have a loving family
3.Food, i can eat 3 meals a day
4.I have a laptop
5.I have the ability to go to college and learn
6.TV
7.Friends
8.I have a job (that pays well and i enjoy)
10. I will graduate college without debt
11.I can drive
12.I have a car to drive
13.Netflix
14.The Gospel (should have put this sooner....)
15.My wards
16.Cell phone
17.texting
18.movies
19. a bed to sleep in (cause i really love to sleep)
20.Shoes
21.Mail from missionaries
22. Junk food
23. pain medication ;)
24. sweat pants
25. games

Heart of stone

And this was also a while ago, the heart.

The heart of stone
Let's no one see
Only shows
What others need
Happiness,
Joy,
Charm,
And smiles
Really dying inside all the while
The heart of stone
Hard,
Strong,
Cold at first
Hold it long,
Love it
Slowly,
Barely,
You feel the change
The heart of stone
Gone,
Replaced by something strange.
Emotion?
A soul?
Only it can tell
Give it time and it could change you as well.

eye to eye

Don't even remember writting this one but whatever...

A signal, one I can't see ,
tells them all to leave me

They all take turns making the cracks, feels like a stab in the back.

I can't see the reasons, their  moods oposite as seasons.

Actions confusing but meanings are clear. You really don't want me here.

So ill stand on the side and wait for your pride

I hope I can wait cause friendships our fate

Unless we can see eye to eye